I’ve always wanted to be married. I’ve dreamt about my wedding, my first kiss, how I would meet the love of my life — hopefully not in that order. I was the typical romantic teenager, who later grew into a starry-eyed young adult.
But then something happened. I somehow, as an adult, became an unromantic realist. (I call myself an adult because I’ve been told that since I’m over the age of 25, I should no longer consider myself a young adult but a full-blown adult. Believe me, it hit me hard the first time I heard those words.)
But the day I turned 26, something took place within me: I became content with being single.
I had prayed for so long that God would either make me content or married. (Clearly, praying for what you want more doesn’t work.)
I am the girl who never dated in high school, in college, while working, and has still never dated while in university.
I’m the girl who has just wanted to meet and date one guy. And I’m the friend of many of those guys who I thought might be “the one.”
I’m the one who felt like I was punched in the stomach every time my friends had yet another boyfriend or girlfriend. And when my friends started getting married, my happy tears secretly came from a heart that felt so hopelessly alone. One time, my friend called me after midnight to tell me she’d gotten engaged and wanted me in her wedding. I bawled right after I hung up the phone.
“WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN” and “WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY,” I’d shout at God.
I’m the one who walked around struggling in silence while I put on my Single-And-Loving-It face.
Yes, I am that girl. And I thought I would always be that girl. But on my 26th birthday, something changed, and it has been changing ever since.
I’ve become scared of marriage.
I’m scared because I no longer am under the allusion that marriage fixes every problem; I actually think it creates new ones. I’m scared that 15 years down the road the person I marry will be so far from the man I once knew, and that it won’t be for the better. I’m scared that marriage will make me feel stuck and not free.
I’m scared I’ll lose myself.
Growing up, I knew a girl who had a deep sense of love and pursuit of Jesus and his kingdom. And like me, she longed to be married. She eventually did get married to a great guy. But throughout the years, our friendship has drifted to the point we hardly talk or see each other. It’s not out of a dislike for one another, but rather because we’ve made different choices. When we do see one another, I feel as if I hardly know her anymore. Her dreams are so far from anything she used to want. She’s preoccupied with her husband and her house and all the other stuff she wants. Sometimes I feel like I’m right in front of her and she doesn’t even see me.
I have another friend who I’ve known for a long time. I spent three years of my life thinking he was “the one.” But as I got to know him, as the mystique started to disappear, I realized I didn’t want him to be the one. I didn’t like the way he treated me as a friend, let alone anything more. Red flags appeared, but I couldn’t see them while I was pining after him. And the thought that I could have let myself marry this guy terrifies me.
I’m scared of being married because I don’t want to become the girl who is so preoccupied with how my life as a wife is supposed to look, that I no longer want Jesus or have time for those around me.
And I don’t want to marry someone who I thought I knew, finding out a few years later it was a big mistake.
I’ve started to study people’s marriages to see how spouses treat each other, and whether marriage makes them better as human beings. Or if marriage makes them more selfish, more materialistic, more unaware of the world around them.
This is the kind of marriage that scares me; it’s the kind that makes me love being single. The marriages that seem to make people better — more alive, more loving, more others-centred — seem to be few and far between. The kind of marriage I really long for is the kind I just don’t see very often.
I’m not out to bash marriage; I really do want to be married someday.
I just hope I meet someone who is worth confronting all of my fears about marriage. If I’m honest, I think there are a lot of single people out there under the illusion that marriage will fix their problems and make them better.
If I can’t be more alive, more loving, more others-centred while I’m single, then how am I ever going to be that when I’m married? If I can’t enjoy today, and the places I find myself and the people who are around me, do I actually think that committing my life to being married to someone is going to help me find more enjoyment in life?
There are way too many people wasting their time wishing they were married. And there are too many married people wishing they didn’t wish away their time while they were single.
Today is a gift, and whether you’re married or not, make the choice to accept that gift.
