In the past I was a part of a leadership team for my church’s young adults group. As leaders, part of our role was to welcome newcomers. We greeted them at the door and got them connected. I loved the opportunity, but often times I’d leave in an anxious whirlwind, not sure of who I talked to or if we really connected. It was exhausting and – quite frankly – boring and awkward. It’s because most of us are terrible at small talk. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I stare blankly and blink at someone new when I don’t know what to say. To combat this problem, I came up with some things to keep in mind when you’re chatting someone up.
1. Stop talking about boring junk.
The weather isn’t interesting. Yes, it is common ground, but it provides you with no opportunity to dig deeper. Good stories and friendships never start by talking about partial cloud cover and scattered showers. Unless you’re meteorology students, skip the boring stuff.
2. Ask questions that allow for broad answers.
Asking someone where he works or goes to school can be a dead-end question. They could say “I work at a personal injury law firm called Bast, Jones and Gamble,” and then your conversation is at a halt. Instead, ask something that gives them the opportunity to expand on. My favourite broad question is, “What’s your story?” They can give you the typical job/school/family answers, or they could launch into something deeper if they choose. The people that take that question and run with it? They’re usually really awesome.
3. Practice careful questioning.
It seems that the first thing we ask someone is always, “What do you do?” It seems harmless of course. I know first hand that it sucks to hear this question when I don’t have a good answer. Be mindful that certain questions (even innocent ones) can unintentionally sting. Instead of “What do you do?” ask “What does a day-in-the-life of you look like?” You’re essentially asking the same thing and will hear similar answers, but it’s asked in a more considerate manner.
4. Ask follow-up questions.
Small talk can feel like a terrible job interview if you have a list of questions you plan to ask before you start the conversation. If you ask a question, don’t immediately follow it up with another question on a different topic. Listen to what they told you, and ask something related to the information. “Oh a personal injury law firm? What department?” You’ll get to know someone on a deeper level in one area rather than hearing all sorts of sweeping surface details that you’ll probably forget later.
5. Invest in the conversation.
If you don’t care about ATV accident paperwork, don’t ask about it. You might think it’s polite to ask about ATV accident paperwork because she’s in the personal injury business, but if your eyes glaze over and you’re not genuinely interested in the answer, you’re going to appear rude anyway. This may sound selfish, but hear me out: only ask things that you want to hear about. You’ll be more engaged in conversation and the person will feel heard and appreciated. You’ll be able to relate with one another, and before you know it, you’ll be having an actual conversation.
The reason we don’t like small talk is because it seems to hold no purpose. Give it a purpose. Dig deeper; ask interesting questions. Small talk doesn’t have to be dull. Skip the boring stuff and move on to the good.
Flickr photo (cc) by taulu
