Sixteen years ago I made a list of everything I wanted in a future husband. I kept the list hidden away in my journal and started my wait for “the one.” I had it all planned out.
We would meet on some whimsical fall day, well into my college career. He would be tall, bearded and ruggedly handsome, comparable to the Brawny man. He would quote Bible verses to me while strumming his guitar. His strong arms would be covered by flannel, and in his deep voice he would confess his love for me. That’s my man. He’s the one I’ll wait for.
So I waited… for 13 years I waited.
College came and went, along with plenty of good men but none of them quite fit the bill. The first few years of my career came and went, along with plenty more good men. But still the walls were up. Settling wasn’t an option.
At the age of 26, I met the first man who I thought could potentially be “the one.”
He was tall. And he quoted Bible verses (though not while strumming the few chords he knew on the guitar). He didn’t regularly sport a beard. He didn’t wear flannel. He most definitely didn’t look like the Brawny man. Instead he vaguely resembled Wesley from The Princess Bride and quoted Shakespeare. Fair trade, I thought.
So I decided to give him a shot. We dated. And from the outside everything looked perfect. He pursued me adamantly and led from a place of purity. Our family and friends approved, and for a while I thought I just might have found “the one.”
Until the unexpected happened and we broke up. Though of course it was painful at the time, in hindsight I’ve realized it was perhaps the best and most formative thing that has ever happened to me.
That was nearly two years ago. It was also when I made one of the best decisions of my life. I threw my list away and stopped waiting. Not because I lowered my standards or decided to settle, but because I realized a few things:
I realized my overly romanticized ideals were neither healthy nor realistic.
I realized there’s not just one mystical perfectly manufactured man out there waiting for me to come along so that he can fall from heaven and sweep me off of my feet.
I realized it could be dozens of different men and that God has given me a brain to be able to choose one of them.
I realized that love is a choice. And that there are just a few things that are really foundational in choosing the right person: his passion for God, complimentary vision/goals for life, and attraction.
More importantly, I realized love does not ask, “who can you be for me?” but “Who can I be for you?”
So I decided to make a new list. Not one of all of the things that my man can be for me but one of all of the things I can be for him.
Here are a few things, among many, that I put on that list.
- Love God insanely
- Love him insanely (in that order)
- Be Supportive
- Strong
- Faithful
(Etc, etc, etc.)
I discovered so much freedom in focusing my attention and energy on making the most of my single years and being the woman who God has called me to be. Don’t get me wrong. I still have high ideals. They just look different now.
I still expect any man I date to love God with all of his heart, to be able to lead me from a place of strength and purity and have vision and joy for life. And of course I still need to be physically attracted to him, but I’ve allowed myself to kill the flannel wearing, bearded mountain man ideal.
In the process I’ve gained a whole new perspective of what truly makes a man: genuine humility, love for God and a passion to serve others.
I’m also learning that a flourishing relationship takes two healthy, whole individuals who aren’t expecting their significant other to be their perfect saviour. They’re not looking for their love story to be a fairytale, but are determined, ready, and willing to lay down their lives for each other, to spend a lifetime learning the real meaning of love.
When (or if) that time comes for me, I pray I will be ready to live not “happily ever after” but faithfully and covenantal-ly ever after. And I pray I’ll recognize him not as a flawless man that fell from heaven but as an imperfect human who I choose to love and cherish forever.
Photo by (Josh) broma
