I was recently reading a book about relationships and our “learned behaviors” that negatively affect them. In thinking and reflecting on this, I realized that at the root of most of my destructive learned behaviors is shame.
Shame is that feeling that we are not enough, that what we did or who we are is just bad. Guilt often goes hand in hand with shame, and I’m convinced that many of us are walking around with this deep sense of guilt and shame. Perhaps you are keenly aware of this in your own life. Perhaps you aren’t but you feel this gnawing sense of worthlessness at the base of your being.
How did we learn shame? Can you sit and remember that exact moment when it entered your life, when you first felt like you weren’t good enough?
The realization for me brought sudden tears with it. I relived that moment in my mind, and the sense of shame was so real all over again. Growing up, I was always a slightly overweight. I blame my grandmother who introduced me to cinnamon buns as a toddler when I was going through a phase of not eating anything… until I met those buns. Needless to say, I’ve always had a little junk in the trunk. My second grade teacher never really seemed to like me, even though I tried everything I could to make her happy. I remember one day during a math lesson she decided that she would weigh each of us and put it on the number on the board, to add them up. I froze. I didn’t want to step on the scale in front of everyone; I didn’t want them to know how much I weighed. I waited until the end hoping she might forget me by accident. She didn’t. I stepped on the scale, weighing more than most of the kids in my class. Everyone snickered and whispered things. I sat down at my desk and at the age of 7, I feeling complete and utter shame. I learned to hate my body that day, a judgment I’m still trying to unlearn, 20 years later. It was that year I developed a stomach disorder because I went to school nervous and worried everyday. This shame had taken root in my soul, reminding me daily that I was not enough.
There are many of us walking around with the sense that we aren’t worthy of anything good. I know because I’ve had many conversations with people who tell me they don’t feel safe bringing their secret shame into the light — they are too afraid of what others will think and say. And I get that.
Unfortunately, the church can often be the most frightening place to bring any type of sin and shame to the surface. Why? Because of the overall fear of having people be open and real with their junk, and the tendency for us to think we need to have it all together to be the good Christian we are told to be.
And that’s not ok. It shouldn’t be like this.
This is not how God created us to live. This is the stuff he longs to free us from. And so I don’t want to be silent any more. I don’t want to hide in my dark corner because my shame has made me feel so afraid and so alone.
The truth is that I am not alone and neither are you. You don’t have to struggle alone. I absolutely believe that Jesus doesn’t want to throw another stone at you; he wants you to know that you are loved, you are known, and you are seen. He wants you to know that it is okay — there’s more life for you, so don’t waste it hiding in the dark!
Unlearning to cling to shame and guilt is very hard business. The process can be messy and bring up stuff we’ve tried so hard to hide for so long. It has been a daily struggle for me to unlearn these beliefs. But it’s worth it because I want to be a person who offers grace and truth to people — I simply can’t do that if I haven’t let those things shine on my own heart and mind. This is the journey of faith and it’s where Jesus longs to meet us. We were never meant to cower in the corner; we were made to live in the light with others, working our stuff out together.
So let’s dump the shame and live in grace and truth. Through the hard process of unlearning our judgments and behaviors, we’ll learn how much more we are worth.
Photo by (flickr CC) Valeria C★Preisler
