It’s no secret I like to have crushes on people. I fall fast, and I fall hard. Everyone who knows me knows this.
But here’s the problem: my crushes tend to be on celebrities and literary characters. And at this point in my life, I’m realizing it’s time to let go.
It’s time to breakup with all of them.
But how do you break a habit that’s been with you your whole life? Ever since I learned how to read or watched movies, I’ve fallen in love with fictional characters. Chris Chambers, Ron Weasley, Mr. Darcy, Jack Dawson, Jake Ryan, Peter Pevensie, Sherlock Holmes….
Really, the list is embarrassingly long.
It’s easier to have crushes on unattainable people. Like, literally unattainable since they don’t even exist. Or celebrities like Benedict Cumberbatch, Andrew Garfield, Zac Efron — men who are so far from me it’s safe to like them. So that in real life, I can hide and stay far away from relationships. Because relationships mean investment and time, and God forbid I actually start to like someone because what if it doesn’t work out? Because we’ve all been hurt, right? We’ve all been with people who hurt us and it’s so much better to just be alone, right?
I don’t know. I don’t know because I don’t let myself get close to guys romantically. It’s scary to put yourself out there and say, “Hey, I think you’re cool and maybe this could work and maybe it couldn’t but maybe we should give it a try?”
It’s scary because my parents divorced when I was 13 and I don’t want to be a walking cliché of a divorce kid but that kind of stuff messes with your mind a little. You think, “Damn. This love-thing might not be real? Or if it is real, it only lasts for a little before it dissolves.”
So you bury yourself in a fantasy world of distraction because it’s easier to think about men who don’t exist instead of men who actually do exist and might hurt you.
There’s this line between reality and fantasy. So often I live in fantasy. Like one time I actually cried because I was thinking about how Narnia doesn’t exist. That’s how much I love worlds that aren’t this one.
But it’s so strange to me, because I do love this world. I love the gritty, strange, beautiful, dirty city of Los Angeles. I love my friends so much sometimes it feels like my heart could burst. I love waking up in the morning when the world is still a little silent. I love the pain and hurt and everything that comes with breathing and living.
I love this place and I love the moments when I stand back and feel in awe. And I want to give my whole heart to this life that I have. I want to love people genuinely, I want to invest in my friendships and family and work.
And I want to be open if there’s someone out there for me. Someone real.
I know it’s good to dream. I know it’s good to love books and film. But I also know I can use them as an escape. And I just can’t do that anymore. I can’t remove myself from my own reality because not only is that not healthy, it’s not what God wants for me. And I can’t look to these worlds I so desperately wish were real because…they aren’t.
So here I am. Here I am, all you fictional boyfriends I love so much.
It’s not you. It’s totally me. Like 100 per cent. You guys have been great. It’s been fun and exciting, but I think it’s time we go our separate ways.
And hey…we can still be friends, right?
Flickr photo (cc) by jamelah
